A Recovering Man's Desire for Illness

I recently suffered through an illness that, against my most fervent attempts, left me but only two options: rest on either the bed or the couch. During such a difficult time I couldn't help but notice how much I wanted rid of whatever disease was plaguing me those few days. My focus became my health. I kept a watchful eye on the time, desperately counting down till the next dose of medicine and struggling to take an unrestrained breath. The nights were cut discouragingly short as I waited, hoping and praying the next day would be better.

As my body began to heal, in the time God so appointed and blessed, I noticed a change of another sort. When my character and personality started to return so also did my daily sins. One might ignorantly say that when one is sick and bedridden there isn't much chance to commit many sins but I saw another perspective. When I was desperate and focused on the one goal of regaining my health the foolish sins I pet every day meant nothing to me. To think of these things was repulsive and brought about no desire of their indulgence because they did not benefit my healing. A disturbing thing occurred, however, when things returned to normal because I had also returned to a routine that resulted from many things over a period of time, all rooted in one three letter word. Sin.

As a child of the almighty God and an heir of gracious salvation through Jesus Christ, this greatly disturbed me. I thought I had realized in the past those evil things that engulf me throughout each day. These would cast me to my knees before my heavenly Father in search of forgiveness and repentance, only to find myself there again time after time. So went each day; so went the routine of one who took his eyes from godly things.

What caused so great a disturbance to write or contemplate this realization as being different from the many times before? I wanted to be deep in sickness again, when sin wasn't so readily conceivable. It is true that if we confess our sins to God, He is faithful to forgive. Though this time I was more aware, if that can be understood. There was an awakening, thank God, a moment when the scales fell from my eyes. The presence of sin is apparent every day but in my illness I thought little of it, only calling out to God for healing. When he granted my health's return I foolishly returned to my routine. It was the easy thing to do. Struggle and give in to temptation then beg with genuine tears for forgiveness when the realization of the folly has struck. At the recurrence of these sins and my willingness to them I became broken. Thankfully the few days in which my sins weren't so prominent a factor caused me to be truly sensitive again.

I recalled by the providence of God a passage in the book of Romans I had read only days prior.

[7:18, 19] For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.

[7:21] I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.

[7:24, 25] O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord....

While dealing with the paralyzing thought that I could never live a day without sin, without having to beg the Creator of all things for reconciliation, the precious words of the Father reminded me that while those things were true,

[8:1, 2] There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.

I have no success story on how to defeat sin aside from that wonderful victory given by Jesus Christ. If while reading you were anticipating a climax in which a sword in my hand severs the bowels of sin then you may be sorely disappointed in finding that I can in no wise bring righteousness to this flesh. I simply point you to the sword of truth, the living Word of God, who has conquered death. This short life in the flesh, as I continue to see, is not "easier" for those who seek to walk in the Spirit. I hope these words serve as an encouragement and a reminder.

[18] For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.